Song of the Flower

I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.

I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn.

 At dawn I unite with the breeze
To announce the coming of light;
At eventide I join the birds
In bidding the light farewell.

The plains are decorated with
My beautiful colors, and the air
Is scented with my fragrance.

As I embrace Slumber the eyes of
Night watch over me, and as I
Awaken I stare at the sun, which is
The only eye of the day.

I drink dew for wine, and hearken to
The voices of the birds, and dance
To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.

I am the lover's gift; I am the wedding wreath;
I am the memory of a moment of happiness;
I am the last gift of the living to the dead;
I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.

But I look up high to see only the light,
And never look down to see my shadow.
This is wisdom which man must learn.

~ Khalil Gibran

don't read this weblog if you don't want to know how i really feel about life sometimes.

I have a good feeling about 2011.  I don't know what that means really.  I used to think that these feelings were from the divine, but now I'm not so sure.  I think it could be psychological.  It could be that life has been so ridiculous to me that things could only go up from here.  It could be that 11 has always been my favorite number.  Or it could be a divine premonition. I really don't know how any of that works.  All's I know is that I feel good about 2011.

But Praise wrote that she "hoped in eager anticipation" for what 2010 held.

So do we continue to hope for better, if life just does whatever it wants anyway?

It seems like the only way to keep living well is to keep hoping.  Otherwise I'm letting the inevitability of death determine how I live while I am still given the chance to live.  We've all heard C.S. Lewis's opening line of "A Grief Observed" . . . "No one ever told me grief felt so much like fear."  I agree.  I feel the same way about hope.  No one ever told us that hoping would feel so much like fear.  I feel like there's a big emphasis in today's culture on living without fear.  But the world holds much to fear.  Maybe the point is to do it anyway, while we can't help but fear the worst and choose to hope for the best.  Sometimes reality seems to make a fool out of hope. Yet, as scary as it sounds, I can only move forward if I do so with hope.  I don't even know what I'm hoping for, but maybe we figure that out as we go along.

Maybe I have to keep on figuring out how to live with as much courage and hope as I can hold onto, knowing full well that either the best can happen, or the worst can happen, or something somewhere in between the two.  Egypt is the best that can happen for me right now.  Breathing my last breath would be the worst.

But now I must return to the reason I thought to write these thoughts out in the first place. . .

I have a good feeling about 2011.  

With a camera in one hand and an espresso brewer in the other, let's get this new year going and see what you got for us, O'eleven.

5 more minutes...

That's what I used to tell the girls at the group home any time they asked how long till _______?

Even when we were at the beginning of a drive from Chino to Morro Bay.

Even when they were 4 months pregnant and wondering when their bodies would be back to normal.

Even when they were dreaming of their 18th birthday so that they could be emancipated from the foster care system.

Any time they wanted to know how much longer until. . . . . . . . 5 more minutes.

Pretty sure my life is proof that karma exists.

On Christmas

A few words about Christmas.

I've always been somewhat of a grinch around the holidays.  And that's because i dont think Christmasy things are about The Baby.  I think they're about feeling good.  And it has always felt like a facade.

But..... maybe that's okay. It is something that provokes feelings of hope when things look bleak.   They're not false... they just don't line up with reality.  Like hope.  Hope isn't false, it just doesn't always line up with what IS.   Guess that's why it's hope.

I agree, the lights and tinsel and red & green color themes do absolutely nothing to change things.  They just make us feel good for a minute during the year.  They don't have anything to do with The Baby.  But they allow us to imagine a world where all is well.

Like this video clip. Starting around 2:30. It's from one of my favorite shows, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, written by Aaron Sorkin.  This is the culmination of a subplot of this episode that aired after Hurricane Katrina, where the producer of the show gave musicians from New Orleans the chance to play on their show so that they weren't out of work.  What happens is, musically, one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard.  In the midst of chaos, they created a few minutes of BEAUTY.  And for those few minutes, all is well.  And they make me feel like maybe possibly perhaps somehow someday, all will be well.

So for the next week or so, I hope you have lots of good feelings that leave you with a lasting hope.

My First Little Baby Bloggity Blogger Bloggiepie

So I've started "blogging." This is my obligatory "I'm now a 'blogger'" "blog." (I apologize in advance for all of the quotation marks. They are intended to imply my distaste for the word "blog," which I will explain presently.) (Also, if you are expecting good grammar, this is not the correct blog to visit. Because I don't always care about that.)

I don't really like the idea of a "blog." I'm not sure why. I think I'd like them better if we just called them "weblogs" since that's where the slang came from, because then we don't have to admit that the internet has taken over our lives more quickly and drastically in the past ten years than we can really keep up with. If the word "blog" was incorporated into our vocabulary before we even figured out what it was an abbreviation for, let alone decided to start keeping a log of our days/thoughts/rants/journal entries on the web, what other shortcuts does the worldwide web allow us to take in communication and what do we miss in understanding the world around us? Also, I never liked the idea of "blogging" because I have a fear of being trite, cliche, or cheesy. And then I realized, meh. It's cliche to not want to be cliche, so I'm going to ignore that fear and start keeping a weblog.

Most importantly, if we called them weblogs instead of "blogs," I would feel like I was constantly in a Star Trek episode. (Note: this is a good feeling).

SO, what can you expect to find at this particular weblog, and why should you follow it?

I dunno about that last part, that's up to you.

I might share my random thoughts throughout the day. I might ask you to join me on a theological excursion or to excuse me while I launch into a political rant. I might share a story about my dog. (Actually, go ahead and count on that one). I've had some recent thoughts on rain or Christmas that I might share. I might complain about life or I might share how deeply I was moved when I went for a hike and sat next to a waterfall.

One thing is certain about the purpose of this weblog. When I have reached 100% of my fundraising goal to move to Cairo, this is where I will share my stories, observations, and a few pictures with you. It is where I will attempt to keep in touch with you all while I am living on the other side of the world and feeling disconnected from everyone I love. It is where I will attempt to share glimpses of my experiences in Cairo.

Oh, I suppose this is also the time and place to tell you about the name of my weblog. Recently, life has been difficult. For me and for a lot of people around me. And I think it will continue to be hard, because that is life. So when you're in the storm, you have to figure out how to get through it. One of the things I have been turning to is books. Lots of books. (So I have no idea where this came from, and as soon as I remember I will credit the author). The thing that stuck with me on a very visceral level was the author's description of darkness. He or she said that we usually run from darkness out of fear of the darkness, but that if we turn and walk into it, eventually the earth will keep turning and we will be met by the sunrise. As much as I am antsy to get out of this time and place in life, I am more committed to living fully and learning from each moment than I am to escaping the pain.

So here I am, and here is it.